Count Binface: “I’d love to make an album. Brian Eno – drop me a line”
The London mayoral election takes place this week on Thursday (May 6), and Count Binface (fka Lord Buckethead) has his visor on the prize. He’s polling at one per cent alongside less-qualified joke candidates like UKIP’s Peter Gammons (seriously) and the sidekick from Lewis who wants to ride in on his polo pony to reclaim Londoners “freedom” like a silver-spooned Braveheart.
However, only one can finish last. The Count wants you to vote with your head and heart and cast him as your first preference so he can enact his capital-changing manifesto commitments – like banishing Piers Corbyn to the Phantom Zone and moving the hand dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Crown & Treaty, Uxbridge, to a more sensible position (while using your second vote for someone rational). “The other candidates are all rubbish, and I’m here to take out the trash,” the intergalactic space warrior tells NME. “If you want me to destroy Laurence Fox, Brian Rose and the Tory guy, I need to be your first choice. Make Your Vote Count!”
We caught up with the Mayoral hopeful to talk about his grand vision for London…
London! What can I offer you in the election that no one else can? THIS. #VoteBinface pic.twitter.com/BOoBPFhqz8
— Count Binface (@CountBinface) May 4, 2021
Hello Count Binface. Why is an intergalactic space warrior standing for Mayor of London?
Count Binface: “As you say, I’m a space warrior by trade and I’m from a lovely planet called Sigma IX, where I’m the leader of the Recyclons. You might also know me by my previous guise as ‘Lord Buckethead’ in 2017 – when I took on Prime Minister Theresa May and went viral around your planet (in a non-COVID-y way). Then I had an unfortunate battle on the planet Coypright, so I’ve had an upgrade. But I’m back, and I’m standing to be mayor of the Earth Capital because I’m still fighting for justice, lasers and Ceefax, and I want to put London on the map.”
- READ MORE: Soundtrack of My Life: Count Binface
The polls have you neck-and-bin-lid with Laurence Fox. Are you embarrassed to be polling as low as that novelty candidate?
“Human politicians always say that ‘the only poll that matters is the one on election day’. I disagree, and I think the fact that Lozza is polling one per cent is hilarious. As for me, clearly I’m just timing my run to perfection.”
Can you deliver what Londoners really need?
“I’m the only candidate with a fully-costed manifesto that offers something for everyone. I’ll rename London Bridge after Phoebe Waller-Bridge, which will honour a national treasure and cost £48million less than Boris Johnson’s Garden Bridge, which doesn’t exist. I’ll also ensure that no croissant costs more than £1, I’ll use spare royal palaces as shelters to combat homelessness, I’ll tie government ministers’ pay – including the mayor’s – to that of nurses for the next 100 years, and of course I’ll bring back Ceefax for all households within the M25.
“I’ve had endorsements from the likes of Gary Lineker and Lorraine Kelly. Can my rivals boast of such celebrity power backing them? No chance. If you want London to look to the future, vote for the futuristic space warrior with a laser-armed space armada. It’s just common sense.”
What do you make of your eccentric rivals? You’re up against two YouTubers, an “anti-woke” thespian, a UKIP candidate running under the slogan ‘Gammons for London!’, and a businessman who wields nunchucks…
“I can’t quite believe that the other 19 candidates are the best options that you humans could drum up from a population of 10million. What the hell is going on? It’s no wonder that voters are flocking to an extra-terrestrial when there’s nothing else electable on the menu. As you can imagine, I did wonder if I’d come across as the wackiest, most ludicrous contestant for the mayoralty, but luckily the American with the nunchucks [Brian Rose] has got that title wrapped up.”
Boris Johnson was once Mayor of London before becoming Prime Minister. Are you aiming to take this to the top?
“You’ve rumbled me. Yep, the mayoralty is really just a stepping stone to domination of your entire country and then the planet. I’ve got the rest of your solar system under control, so I might as well complete the set.”
The issue of dodgy party donors is important at the moment. Who’s funding your campaign?
“My campaign spending has a net total of zero, which makes it pretty easy to do the accounting. But I was very fortunate to call upon the help of some loyal Countbinistas and Recyclons to raise the £10,000 deposit in order to stand for the mayoralty. (What a rip-off that is!) As for my abode on Sigma IX, I did actually order some John Lewis furnishings just to score a few political points against Boris. However, as my home is more than a million light years away apparently it’s outside the delivery area, which is a bit annoying.”
You’ve got a jaunty ‘Hip to Be Mayor’ launch music video. Could a full album be on the way?
“It is quite jaunty, but at least some of the credit needs to go to Huey Lewis, and indeed The News. I’d love to make an album, so if you’re reading this, Brian Eno, drop me a line. My ideal collaborators would be a supergroup consisting of Chris Rea, Adele and John Deacon from Queen. I also want to put my bin in the ring to represent the UK at the next Eurovision Song Contest. Can you make that happen? I can’t be any worse than the last 20-odd years of garbage you’ve been sending there. And now that The Masked Singer is a hit, let’s weaponise the idea to conquer Europe!”
Let’s look at one of your more controversial policies: “Speaker phones on public transport to be banned. Offenders forced to watch the movie version of Cats every day for a year”. Does that include the James Corden bits and if so, does that not amount to a torture Amnesty International might campaign against?
“Yes it does. And yes it does.”
You’re also matching current Sadiq Khan with a policy to establish an independent commission to examine the decriminalisation of cannabis, but you’re also going further. Please explain…
“I most certainly am. I pledge that my independent commission will be properly stocked with snacks, to maintain concentration amongst the munchies-addled contributors. I will also confront the bigger problem of the amount of Class A drugs sloshing around the capital, which has caused the eels in the Thames to get hooked on cocaine, so much so that the eels have become really annoying and won’t stop talking about themselves. And I will focus even more on the biggest problem of all: namely the massive asteroid that is still hurtling towards Earth, and which is going to leave everyone – and I do mean everyone – very much stoned.”
It’s also heartening that you’re raising awareness for homelessness and donating your excess campaign funds to Shelter….
“I think it’s insane that in Earth Year 2021, in one of the richest cities on your planet, anyone should have to sleep rough. It’s a problem that’s eminently solvable, especially with the number of properties owned by the rich that lie empty most of the time anyway. If I win, I pledge to convince the Royal Family to give up all but one of their London palaces to provide sheltered accommodation for people in need (They can keep one. I’m nice like that). Aside from that, I hope that whoever wins the mayoralty puts some real effort into combating this problem in the next four years. It shouldn’t take a talking bin to say this, but homelessness needs to be disposed of.”
The London mayoral elections take place on Thursday May 6. Visit here to donate to the homeless charity Shelter.